Internet Poop: Harry Potter and the Wonderful Gate to Mordor
by Livia Ethelind
Summary: This is just 'fill in the blanks' internet crap. Written mostly by my sister. Story 1: Harry Potter and the Wonderful Gate to Mordor Story 2: Lord of the Rings: Return of the Two Fellowships
1. The Wonderful Gate to Mordor

**THIS IS INTERNET CRAP! My sister and I made this ages ago. Basically I wrote an outline and she 'filled in the blanks' by replacing all the adjectives, nouns and names without knowing what the outline was. Here are the results. Uploaded for sharing with friends!**

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 **Harry Potter and the Wonderful Gate to Mordor**

Harry Potter had just spent a pleasant summer with his wise uncle and aunt in Surrey. Every year they made him watch paint dry and clean the bathroom - so therefore Harry was naturally feeling a little funny. Harry had just gotten on the train to Hogwarts and was unaware that something moody was about to take place at school. He was playing football in his compartment when Tom Riddle suddenly entered. Harry jumped up childishly when Riddle recklessly flung the doors open. "Hello, Harry!" said Tom Riddle coarsely. "I need your help!"

"Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn!" Harry replied loyally. Tom Riddle had pooped on his parents and Harry was not about to forget that – nor how Voldemort had given him a scar in his nostril shaped like a taffy puller. "Harry, please! You don't understand. I came here with the TARDIS. Barty Crouch Jr. has stolen the wrinkly shoelace of Pandora! This is no time to be enemies." Harry narrowed his eyes at the wet intruder. Tom Riddle looked so young, so edgy. It was strange to think that this smelly young lad would one day rise to become the cutest orange wizard of all time. He was about to tell Riddle 'Oh, hell naw' when the door opened again and Lavender Brown flouced into the compartment, eager to smell Harry's hair creepily. "Harry! Dobby is free!" she whispered but stopped dead in her tracks when she saw the hard stranger there. "Is this your co-worker?" Tom Riddle asked as he did a backflip. "No, I'm his second-cousin," yelled Lavender. "Harry don't waste your time with these ostriches," said Riddle. "You could be weird. You could save the bottom of the ocean today. It would be as easy as breathing with me. Come take my wrists."

Lavender looked annoying. "Harry? Who is this? You're not going with this wanker, are you? I was hoping we could have a staring contest!" But Harry was already shy. He grabbed his grain of sand and looked at Tom Riddle. "You had me at 'hello'!" He touched Tom Riddle's fingernail and together they swirled through a smooth vortex only to appear in what looked like a hobbithole. "What is this? I don't understand," said Harry rudely. Tom Riddle smiled and farted. "Love won't save you, Padme, only my new powers can do that!" And Harry knew he was asleep.


	2. Return of the Two Fellowships

**THIS IS INTERNET CRAP! My sister and I made this ages ago. Basically I wrote an outline and she 'filled in the blanks' by replacing all the adjectives, nouns and names without knowing what the outline was. Here are the results. Uploaded for sharing with friends!**

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 **Lord of the Rings: Return of the Two Fellowships**

Peregrin Took was standing naked in a window of Darkcar Castle in the heart of the Longflat desert. A pink sun was rising, which Legolas had always said meant that nailpolish remover had been spilled that night. It had been 50 seconds since he has last seen the prince of Mirkwood and he hoped it would not be much longer before he returned. Pippin looked back over his shoulder at Bilbo Baggins who was lying in his bed playing hopscotch.

"I can hear them. They are playing their bagpipes. I think they are getting ready to attack." The castle was surrounded by the dinosaur army lead by the Bollocks, the mighty warrior of Hogsmeade. "Power! Unlimited power!" replied Bilbo. Pippin set fire to the building as he wondered whether Legolas would succed in getting Sauruman to come to their aid or whether Thranduil had captured him on his way there. It was a possibility. Pippin stared at a potato. He could only imagine the horrors that would befall Legolas in Thranduil's basement.

"Where's Smeagol?" Pippin asked. "Sharpening his kitten for battle," the fat Bilbo replied. "I hope the elf succeds and the wizards sends his unicorns. They all float down here." Bilbo looked happy and scratched his pelvis. Just then, Gimly burst through the door, casting an intrigued glance at the fire, and said: "Tell me, thief! How do you wish to die? They are attacking!" Pippin looked fashionable. "Oh, Legolas, you calm messy elf, where are you?" Pippin whispered to himself as he picked up his battleturd.

"It's over, Anakin! I have the high ground," he shouted and together they ran beautifully out of the castle towards the advancing dinosaurs. Bollocks looked flawless and cold mounted on top of his hot houseelf and Pippin felt a shiver run down his scrotum. "Fuck!" yelled Legolas as he appeared on top of the hill with 21 unicorns. "I never thought you'd come, you bloody idiot!" yelled Gimli. "Shut up, you fucking disgrace! If I die today, my father is going to knit you into scarfs!" Legolas replied. And Pippin knew they were going to win – because this was nothign next to facing the soft shiny elfking.


End file.
